September 1998 Magazine
PEROT FEVER: Marked by up to a 40% loss of height; enlargement of the ears; a squeaky, grating voice; paranoia; a strong desire to repeatedly run and retreat; and occasionally a giant sucking sound.
SONIC SHOCK SYNDROME: Primarily marked by a piercing scream with upper harmonics which only dogs and whales can hear. Can also include any or all of the following: insane cackling immediately after performance of a prank or "bad thing"; repeated vocalizations of noises which resemble human intestinal distress or reproductive activity; mumbling conversations which can almost be deciphered; repetition of one side of a phone conversation; and the utterance of X-rated phrases in the presence of house guests and children.
MACAW FOOD-WASTING DISEASE: This affliction, while attributed to macaws, can be caught from all known members of the psittacine family. The disease primarily manifests itself in humans by the behavior of tossing food away from the table in apparent disdain, followed later by consumption of the food from the floor, wall, ceiling, clothing, windows, or whatever surface it adhered to. Other symptoms include stuffing food items into armpits or pockets for later eating; mixing pieces of food with drinking water to make a thick, vomitous mess; eating only one form of food to the exclusion of all others; eating only the food that is found on other people's plates; regurgitating food for loved ones; and eating feces just because its there.
AVIANASTICS: Usually indicated by the ability to contort the body in the same way as parrots. Sufferers are frequently found clinging to the ceiling near a corner, with their torso twisted horizontally back between their legs. Other body movements and contortions include: hanging upside down from light fixtures while swinging in a rapid figure-eight motion; clinging to adjacent walls with legs at more than a 240-degree angle; and pressing the posterior against an open window frame to poop for distance.
CHIRPEES: Primarily indicated by an itch in the credit card or checkbook which then progresses to the collection of at least one of each species of psittacine. Secondary symptoms include repetitive purchases of bird toys; purchase of bird food in boxcar-sized loads; a wallet the size of Detroit to contain pictures of the birds; insane avian naming conventions ("This is my bird Squeeeeeee, and my other bird Foofie, and my other bird Bumpertribblebibbet of Bree, and my other bird Ookie Wookums Bappy Pie."); and active participation in every known Internet bird newsgroup and mailing list, including the little-known alt.compulsion.birds.birds.birds, rec.pets.birds.more, HELLOHELLOHELLO-L, and MASTERBIRDER-L.
AVIAN ITERATIVE EXPONENTIAL EXPLOIT EXPANSION (AIEEE): This affliction starts with the recitation of a cute bird story by Person "A", followed by a counter-story by Person "B" of their bird's exploit which is even cuter, more heartwarming, or more adventurous. The back-and-forth interplay continues until the birds being described have taken on qualities usually reserved for Greek and Roman deities. If the stories continue, the birds actually become deities and smash the entire universe, hoping to start all over with a better class of mammal.
A pet bird ezine, pet bird e-zine, for pet parrots & exotic birds. Cockatoo Parrot picture courtesy of Glasgow Enterprises
Articles on the care & breeding of pet birds, pet parrots & exotic birds
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A humorous look at some creative diseases we can catch from our pet parrots and pet birds
Cockatoo Parrot picture courtesy of Glasgow Enterprises